It's official

Thats it...its official...Connor is almost done with his first year of school. I'm so amazed by him so often! He's the cute one, down in front...2nd one in from the left...he's so beautiful and smart and gifted...how is it possible that I could create something so wonderful?

is this real?

I'm closing up shop for the night now...just finished the last homework assignment for this class...I'm heading for a week off of school and I'm so happy for it!  I've been working my tail off for weeks now and I'm just glad to have a week to breathe.  I can't believe that my next class is the last junior class I have to take...is this really happening?  Am I really staring down a college graduation?  I never thought the day would come that I would actually accomplish this...I'm terrified of failing, but even more...I'm terrified of quitting.  I've never been very good at finishing things, I always find a reason to quit, I say its to hard or that something else has priority...but not this time...I'm going to graduate...I'm going to be, a college graduate.  I'll finish this, I promise myself that.  I have to show everyone, myself included, that I can finish something...There have been so many people that have been with me through this, so many people who have picked me up when I've fallen and who've told me that they believe in me....who have believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself...this is for them, to show them that they were right about me...I can do more than what I thought, and I'm not going to quit...but I AM going to sleep now.  Good night blogger.

Song of the Day - Posession

This song has been playing in my head all day.  In case you aren't familiar with the song, here's the back story...Sarah wrote the song after having being stalked by Uwe Vandrei, an obssessed fan from Ottawa for three years. She eventually took out a restraining order against him and wrote Possession shortly thereafter, using his letters as the basis of much of the lyrics. Incredibly Vandrei filed a lawsuit against her claiming "breach of confidence" and laid claim to a share of the songwriting credits. The case never made trial as Vandrei committed suicide in December 1994.  Sarah said that she wrote the song as a way of trying to understand the feeling of intimacy that someone could have for another person that they have never met, and that writing the song was very therapeutic.  When I first heard it, I thought it was a love song, but when I heard the story, it became so much more...a story of not just love, but completely unrequited love and what Vandrei probably viewed as the ultimate betrayal.  If you've never heard the song, listen to it...its beautiful.


Posession - Sarah McLachlan

Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
the night is my companion, and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes...

grow up...maybe not

I've realized recently that I'm a grown up...I know what you're thinking...I'm 27, obviously I'm a grown up, but thats not why I'm grown up.

The other day, I took my 2 youngest to the park that I wanted to have Connor & Lukey's birthday party's at...I changed my mind as soon as I stepped out of the car, when I could smell pot coming from every direction..."shannon, how could someone as sweet and innocent as you, know what pot smells like???"  Lets not pretend here, we all know the truth..I know what it smells like, and I know that there was a LOT of it.  The reason I say I'm old is, I chose not to have my son's party's there because of it.  I didn't want my kids around it...and I didn't want their friends there around it either...

On the other hand, there are some things that I don't think I will ever grow out of...dancing with no music, singing out loud just because I can, singing loudly in the car, dancing around the living room every time I hear the songs I love, being who I am inside...the part of me that few people get to see...that part that I wish I could show more often.

I also realized today, that I would NEVER change anything that has happened in my life....NOTHING!  Not that it was all good, or bad, or great, or terrible...but it made me who I am now.  I love where I grew up, I know a lot of people who don't like it there, but I can't imagine going to a different school, or having different life experiences, or exposures to things.  I seriously love everything about it right now...must be the meds.

just a SAHM? Kiss my SAHM a$$!

So, I decided to take my lil people to the park today...there was this lady there, I could tell she was NOT a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom for all you non-abbreviators) since no mom wears VS jeans, high heeled boots (like 6 inch heels) in the wet mulch while trying to climb around after a 3 year old. We started talking and she told me it was her day off...I said cool, she said "so what do you do?" and I said (my mistake) I don't work. She replied, "Oh, so you're JUST A STAY AT HOME MOM then?" as if I had a disease that she was afraid she'd catch! THE NERVE of that woman! I wanted to reach out and touch somebody (in a violent way), but instead I said "Yes, I'm a stay at home mom...and when my daughter is President and she thanks me for being there, I'll be reassued that it was worth it." I wanted to add something along the lines of "and when your daughter is a prostitute looking for the love she didn't get as a child, you'll know where you stand." but alas...I didn't say it. Thankfully I suppose...I don't want any of my working mom (outside of the house working) friends to think that I think ill of them, just so we are clear! I have NOTHING but respect for all moms, real moms who do what they have to, so that their kids have good lives. Work if you have to, stay home if you have to, but do what you have to do to ensure that your kids get to enjoy life! There are to many kids in the world today who don't have people who love them...who don't have anyone who cares...its sad and mom's everywhere...SAHM or working moms...should be proud of the job they have...we have been chosen, we have a higher calling! We are responsible for, not only our own lives, but for the small & helpless lives of our children. If you are a real mom...and you do whatever it takes for your kids...and you know that their love is the only thanks you'll ever need...give yourself a pat on the back (or in my case, a trip to Starbucks!) and know that you have the most important job in the world!

the omenator

I wish there was a scary font that I could write in! I just watched "The Omen 666"...I know, where was I 4 years ago when it came out!? I was busy with a 6 month old and a 2 year old, living in upstate NY...but I digress.

Watching movies like that always make me want to do LOTS of research...unfortunately, they also put my faith...or maybe its lack of faith...they put me to the test. See...I don't really know how I feel about God...I know how I feel about other people believing in God...I'm all for it! I don't think that any one person has the right to tell another person that they believe the wrong thing...none of us really "know" the truth...we think we do, but we don't. I love when people quote the Bible as if it really were holy scripture...I heard a quote once, it said "The Bible wasn't faxed down from Heaven." If you can't figure out what that means, it means that God didn't write the Bible, man did...or several men did in fact...God didn't drop it off on anyone's doorstep, or take it to a publisher, men wrote it. The authors are even named! Maybe you've heard of them, there's John, Luke, Matthew, Mark...there are others but you get the picture. The point is, none of them are actually Jesus...they tell you what Jesus said, but the Bible wasn't actually written in English to begin with. It was written in Hebrew (the Old Testament) because it was a Jewish book, and the New Testament was written in Greek...I don't know about you, but I can't read Hebrew or Greek, so even if I saw an original copy of the Bible, I couldn't tell you what it says! I do know that the Bible has been changed over the years...even if it wasn't done maliciously (which, when you consider mankind it probably was malicious) there are somethings that just don't translate well, and words got changed and the meanings of stories changed...it's just a fact that there are words in other languages that we don't have a meaning for so we just use the closest thing we can think of, but it doesn't always work.

More tomorrow...tired now.

healthy as a horse...a sick, lame horse, but a horse...

So...I had a doctors appointment at 9 today...got to the clinic early, but what else is new. Had my appointment, and the PA ordered about 700 tests...went to the lab and got my blood drawn. Headed to X-ray, but I couldn't get my x-rays till the results from my pregnancy test came back...so I go to the referral office and get my referral set up to see a GI specialist, go to the pharmacy to pick up my migraine medication and go to find out the pregnancy test results. NEGATIVE, whew...thank God for small favors!!! Go back, and have to strip down and don a thin cotton gown for my x-rays. 3 x-rays and a very talkative Staff Sergeant later, I'm done and packing up the two youngest kids so we can finally leave. So, 2 hours, 3 blood vials, 1 cup of pee, 1 referral, 3 x-rays, and a bottle of pills later I finally leave the clinic with absolutely NO more information than I had going in to the appointment. Love it. I have no idea what is wrong with me, but the PA feels that the migraines and GI problems are inter-related. I wonder what will happen next...OMG, I just had a break through...more later!

my "not so new year" new years resolutions

1. Attempt to learn to draw
2. Learn more about photography (watch out Jen Harland, I'll be picking your brain!!)
3. Stop letting people take advantage of me
4. Speak up when someone offends MY personal beliefs (which I would bet most people don't even know!)
5. Make a concerted effort to do more physically...I got out of the Air Force and I'm out of shape...or at least, I'm not the shape I want to be.

These are all just kind of working their way into my life right now, things that I've wanted to do for a while, but I'm deciding that NOW is when I'm going to start. I'm also considering picking up Close To My Heart as a hobby-job. I say hobby-job because I don't have a ton of time to throw into making it a full time job, but I definitely want to feed my obsessive-compulsive hording problem...its my problem and if it needs to be fed, I'LL FEED IT!!!

here in my car...scratch that...i drive a van

How much trouble can one van really cause for me? Let me count the ways -

1. Last month I had to get 4 new brakes and 2 new tires...$900+.
2. Yesterday, the guy whose truck I backed in to(the one who told me, its ok don't worry about it...btw this happened 4 monthes ago!!) left a $968 estimate for the repair in my mailbox, not mailed it to me, not came over and gave it to me, just dropped it off in the box...(did I mention that the accident was 4months ago!!!
3. Today, I go outside to take Connor to school and I have a flat tire...Bill comes home to change the flat tire and the lug nut stem SNAPS! REALLY?? So I have to drive about 30 minutes to the dealership to get it fixed, so that I can pay $37 for them to replace the stem (and another that needed replacing) and tell me that they couldn't find the hole...great, maybe I can't find my credit card.

I need a vacation.

Fashion Emergencies

I will NEVER understand some of the clothes that people find fashionable...I know I probably sound old when I say that, but seriously! Take a look at these awesome choices here!
The first, as you see, is an awesome high heeled gladiator sandal, which is both butt-ugly and incredibly unhelpful when fighting lions in the Roman Coliseum. Really? What gladiator (yes, that is really the style) was ever going to wear those shoes? Maybe the gladiator's hooker girlfriend, but never the actual gladiator.
The second is a sweet variation of an infants sailor outfit! In fact, I'm fairly certain that my infant son owns an outfit just like it, but with a polo shirt style top and I'm also fairly certain that it was bought (maybe made) by his great great grandmother. All you need is a dixie cup on top of your head and you've got the full ensemble! Maybe it was made so that the mother and child could wear matching (ridiculous) outfits.

the joys of parenting...yea right.

I have an appointment for Brigid on Tuesday and I have to decide what to do with her. I really do believe that something is wrong with her...and I just don't know how to help her! I gave her a bath today, and I wanted to spend some mommy & daughter time with her...I went to dry her hair and she just would NOT stop messing with everything! She pulled her clips out, she played with my toothbrush, she was combing her hair the opposite way that I was trying to brush it...I just feel like she and I are constantly at odds and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if she would even notice if I left...she really seems like she doesn't care about anyone or anything, and I just don't know how to make her care about me. I guess you can't really MAKE someone care about you...even your own children. She used to be my sweet little girl...and ever since we moved into this house, she has just been less and less sweet as the days go by. I love her so much and yet when I look in her eyes...they just seem so cold & empty.

the joys of parenting

so...im pretty sure my daughter hates me...in fact, i'm more sure of this than i am of almost any other thing. she is constantly just mean to me, she pushes me away if I ask her for a hug, she wipes off every kiss I give her, and refuses to tell me she loves me. she ignores everything I say, and just doesn't respond to my attempts to give her affection...i'm at my wits end about this but no one ever seems to take my thoughts on it seriously...i've tried talking to other people and their answer is always the same, "it's just a phase" or "all kids are like that". don't even get me started on what people in "my" family think about it...they completely blow me off and say "oh, she's just like her dad was at that age"...really? I doubt that...of course those people also believe that my husband is completely emotionless, but they still believe that he's 8 years old and hates green vegetables too. maybe its just me...or maybe its just her.

why college sucks

so...I attend the University of Phoenix - Online...its cool, I pretty much enjoy the format (except for the team format) and just to give an overview of how it works...teacher asks question, I post answer people reply to answer. The requirement is that we have to make 2 posts / day, 4 days/ week....easy enough right? Except that NO ONE answers me! I write my reply, but no one ever replies to me...why is that? I'm not stupid, I hold a very respectable 2.9 GPA (mostly due to my not so greatness in the IT program) and I've gotten nothing other than A's in my Psych classes so far, even getting an A- in statistics...and I hate math! Is it because for them, these are just classes whereas for me...its a passion? I feel strongly about the material, I love learning about the brain and how it functions...I love learning about behavior and emotion and PEOPLE! I think for many, college classes are just a means to an end...for me...its my life dream! I will be the first in my immediate family to receive my Bachelors degree...I want to go on to a Masters program, then become a Doctor...its what I've wanted my whole life! These classes, and the knowledge I'll gain along the way are going to help me to understand the human experience...is that why my answers are longer than others? Why my answers, according to my professors, are so intuitive? Because this is what I really want?

stochastic

Stochastic means random. A stochastic process is one whose behavior is non-deterministic. I would say that this word is a fair description of me...most people don't really know anything about me...most people aren't allowed to know anything about me (by my own choice, not some like witness protection or anything like that.) I have a lot of random interests, random things I enjoy doing, my sense of humor can seem offensive to some. My thoughts on a lot of things are different than other people...I'm not trying to say that I'm some "one of a kind" kind of person, but I know that my thoughts, beliefs and interests are fairly different from most other people.

So yea...I've never blogged before, and I really don't even know what you're supposed to blog about...are there rules to this? I guess I'm just going to go with the whole "random" thing...say what ever I'm thinking at the moment...like a very high tech journal.